We're back folks...do you comprehend?

So it is now after a ten round bout with#1 that I decide that it is long time that I post an update. The bout of which I speak is the new routine of negotiating on an all-to-frequent basis the terms of bedtime.

For those of you that do not have children, (or I would go as far as to say those of you that have children that have yet developed the ability to simply escape their sleeping station or to tell you to go to Hell,) you will not comprehend the ridiculum (new term I feel necessary to coin) that is this recent development.

More on this to come…

To bring you up-to-date, both Royal Princesses are progressing very well. I sat in a room with other 4-year-olds in #1’s peer group the other day, and all father bias aside, her verbal skill rival the most hardened Kindergartner. I forget that what I am so accustomed to is not-the-average 4-year-old vocabulary.

Perhaps I am a self-righteous parent in this regard, but I think people that dumb down their speech for kids need be slapped about their head and neck. I liken this to when mechanics or physicians use their special terminology to paint themselves as superior when essentially they have a better set of vocabulary words to pull from to explain a given situation.

This can be said for any fledgling toddler linguist. Speak to them as you would any other adult! This is how children pick up on language; try this practice if you do not already employ such techniques. Filter as it were…don’t expect a toddler to understand the intricacies of hard versus exasperating, but conversely, don’t speak monosyllabically.

Just last week as we were driving home from daycare #1 was asking if it we could stop by a city park that we regularly drive past on our way home. I, of course, was exhausted and really did not want to chase two rug rats around a sketchy park as the cherry on the crap sundae that was my day – that day. So in a ditch effort to not seem like the perpetual “NO” dad, I laid out these terms:

“[#1] if you help me get your little sister in the house, eat a large portion of your dinner (no way she will ever eat a full meal of anything), and go to bed without crying, or putting up a fight…I will consider taking you to the park on the way home from school tomorrow.”

“Ok, Daddy. I will…wait. What does consider mean?”

“What do you think it means?”

“Does it mean that you will think about it?” queried #1.

“Yes, [#1], that is exactly what consider means,” I replied.

“Consider, Daddy. Cun-seed-er,” parroted #2.

I was as stupid-proud as a father could be on that mundane drive home that evening.

Simple as that folks…don’t dumb it down. Kids have an amazing ability to decipher your “50-cent” words - so don’t hold back. Society needs a few extra syllables, and it starts with the #1’s and #2’s of the world.

I could not have said it better myself

Words to instill in my daughters.

You don't need a man, except for Daddy.

Absentee (from the blogosphere) Father Figure

So for those of you that got used to semi-regular blog posts...I apologize. I recently started graduate school and have not had much time for non-scholarly related writing. I hope to get back to this blog as soon as the fates (and my schedule) will allow.

Please be advised that both #1 and #2 are progressing nicely. They both now possess prolific vocabulary to tell Dad where to "stick it" and such. And I am fairly certain that I can hear them plotting against me in the other room while I am composing this meager update.

Thanks for reading - Happy Parenting.

How many points for this, father figure?

While preparing lunch for number 1 the other afternoon, I asked her what she would like to have for lunch. Number one has a very refine palate that leans toward Spaghetti-O’s, cheese sticks and Go-gurts, and the occasional bean burrito, but today she decided to venture into the realm of high cuisine—Mac & cheese.

I prepared the meal as I normal

y do, substituting the milk with sour cream (try it, it is so much better!) and I then asked #1 how much she wanted.

Without skipping a beat, in an adorable gesture she cupped her hands and said “…about 5 ounces, Daddy.”

5 ounces -- really.

“How much is an ounce, number 1?” I asked.

“You know, Daddy.” She replied. And she was right. I do know.

Progress report: T-plus 1087 days

Number 1 is in the home stretch to reach the 3rd year of her awesome existence, and it still amazes me each day that she is so early in years. There is no doubt that by the time she reaches her tweens that I will be in for a heap of trouble. 4 syllable words are commonplace and she is now a champion of the potty-set. I am currently in the process of teaching her how to complete my annual tax returns, as well as basic trigonometry, and with luck I will not have to be bothered with either within the next 1-2 years.

However, I must tell a tale of hilarity regarding #1's new-found potty independence:

Over the weekend, we were attending a barbecue at a friend's house. It was at this event that #1 experienced a terrible potty progress set-back. After and hour or two of socializing with the kids of our adult friends, #1 approached us to inform us that she needed to use the facilities. Mommy quickly jumped into action to get #1 to the toilet.

I was tasked with keeping tabs on #2 while #1 and mommy were taking care of nature's calling. After what seemed to be an eternity, mommy returned with number 1, clad in a new outfit.

Clearly something had transpired. I inquired to mom as to why #1 had the sudden wardrobe change. It was then that I was informed that there had in fact been a minor incident.

#1 is very independent. Particularly in regard to her potty training initiative. She is constantly asking that she "has privacy" to take care of her potty needs. It was in such a case of early independence that the incident occurred.

"She fell in."

"What? How did that happen?" I asked my lovely wife, "weren't you in the bathroom with her?"

She replied, "No. She needed her privacy. Then a few seconds later I heard her panicked cries for Mommy."

Apparently #1 had managed to slip through the toilet seat to splashdown in the waters below.

Now I must admit, I nearly wet myself laughing at this account after-the-fact, but it has had a terrible residual effect on #1's potty use. Since the incident, she has been terribly hesitant to use the toilet in unfamiliar venues.

So I found it amazingly fitting that while I was out running errands with #1 the other afternoon, that she pointed out the wall of toilet seats at the Home Depot we were visiting that day. In particular, she pointed out a seat that looked different from the others.

30 dollars later, I had managed to solve the falling in concerns.

The best part about this investment is that #1 gets a bottom appropriate toilet seat, and now I get a smaller target to aim for when I am in need of a bladder evacuation. This will improve my skills whilst allowing the young ones the confidence to pee without the need for hands to prop themselves up.

I will be hosting a party later this summer for those that would like to try the graduated seat.

Team Awesome Rules!

Potty Progress

Oh sweet Jeebus! Potty training is soon becoming an afterthought as far as number 1 is concerned. she is doing so much better than mom and I ever expected. Outside potties have been utilized without any concern for home territory abandon. She is nearly her own potty entity.

She used the potty before I had even wiped the sleep stuffs from my eyes the other morning. Only to awake me to the fact that I had to empty number 2 from number one. AWESOME!

Secondary Option for the Deuce

We are currently in the midst of developing #1’s toilet training ethic (regulation of ones and twos). She has on many varied occasions been successful at her potty practice. The day care provider focuses on this behavior and routinely escorts #1 to the restroom throughout the course of any given school day. And much to our chagrin, she is very diligent at using the potty while she is at school, because this is not the case when we are home.

There is a simple albeit crude fact that daughter #1 has a nightly bowel movement with Swiss precision. This nightly event has been a recent point of conflict between #1 and me. At nearly the same point every evening, roughly and hour after dinner and an hour prior to bath/bed time, #1 begins to demonstrate the behaviors that are evident of her about to make a deposit in her pants. She knows it. I know it. Then begins the standoff…

“Do you need to go potty, #1?” I ask.

“Yes, Daddy,” she predictably replies.

“Well let’s go. I will help you,” I respond.

“Daddy, I need to get ________ first” she states. Now the blank space is an indication that she will simply come up with some sort of menial, unnecessary task or errand to distract attention away from the previous lines of dialogue. This will then lead to #1 disappearing to another room under the guise that she is completing the aforementioned task when she is actually dropping the inevitable deuce.

This leads to a frustrating conversation between #1 and me about why she would not simply walk the extra 15 feet to use the potty rather than go in her diaper. I explain the merits of not having to carry your waste right next to your person, and #1 will state that she does not need to use the potty because Daddy will take care of the aftermath. As you may imagine, it is essentially a futile debate.

Therefore, I decided in my infinite parental wisdom, that I would instate a reward-per-use program that will reward #1 for successful potty habits—Stickers. Now as an adult, we all realize that a small speck of paper with an adhesive backing really holds no value, but to a 2 ½ year old, stickers might as well be gold doubloons.

I have created a merit based chart that rewards one sticker for water and two stickers for a solid. These stickers will then allow daughter #1 to garner a larger collection of stickers on her “potty chart” that can be traded for bigger and better prizes i.e. trip to the toy store, arcade for an afternoon of skeeball, etc.

So far I do not believe that she really appreciates the simplicity of the system and the ease of getting a great reward. I did the math, and just today based on my program, I believe I could have earned a round of mini-golf and a bag of M&M’s—but alas, I am ineligible to participate.

Stay tuned for hopeful tales of potty success stories.